“What if I say I’m not like the others?
What if I say I’m not just another one of your plays?
You’re the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?”
“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” – Matthew 6:24
For those of you who are not aware, this Summer, and part of Fall, was consumed with 3-5 medical appointments each week for my youngest two kiddos. A friend pointed out this weekend that my tone of voice had the air of PTSD blowing through it.
After some thought, I realized that she was absolutely correct. The “battle” I fought was not on any foreign shore. None of my comrades were harmed, and all my body parts are still intact. However, I did watch my beautiful kiddos endure test after test – with no answer in sight – at the whim of what I call the “another brick in the wall” Western Medical Model. “Well Mrs. Upton, we don’t know what in the hell it is, but after these 17 vials of blood we know what it *is not*, so let’s get more tests done.”
From the last week in April to a final evaluation completed last week, I have been on the front lines for my kiddos.
Along with that, I’ve been working like mad to keep up with the expenses not covered by insurance. I even wrote a letter to Amanda Palmer – the QUEEN of “asking.” When that didn’t work I wrote to others in the industry, all the way down to the key grip and the floor sweeper. The replies that came back were that our story was not compelling enough. There needed to be drama, media coverage, and a lot of “well what will this do for me, really, to help you?”
Trust me when I say that my lowest points were hit in this process, and it was hard not to throw in the towel.
But, there for the Grace of the great and unknowable Mystery go I. And there were lessons learned. Plans changed. Destiny waiting to happen.
It is true that no one can serve two masters. In my case I could not serve my superhuman desire to be creative while also “praying” at the altar of Modern Medicine. One of those burdens had to be laid down.
And while I put on the good show (smile and wave, honey, smile and wave), my entire body-mind-spirit system was shutting down.
And I screamed at the top of my lungs into the trees in my backyard.
Thrashing wildly, writhing all the pain out of my body, I wept.
Last night I had time to sit and just be. Dear friends offered me respite to just let my human hang out a little. Several deep cleansing breaths were taken, and as I drove home all the stars were singing rounds of “amen.”
This past 7-month journey was not what I expected–and with the ability to look back on it all last night, I can tell you that there is a lot of thanks going on in my system. Don’t want to do it again, mind you, but there were walls that needed to come tumbling down.
Today I feel like my Self again. Real and ready.
I love you,